Here's a list of funny quotes from the various appearances of Terrance & Phillip in South Park.

Shift-click on an MP3-icon to download a quote.

!FART! means a farting sound should be applied.
T: Terrance
P: Phillip
UB: Ugly Bob
S: Scott

From South Park Episode 201: "Not Without My Anus"

T: !FART! P: "Oh Terrance, you farted in court!" T: "Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense!"

T: "Would you like a monkey claw Phillip?" P: "Yes please." T: !FART! T: "That's called the monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys." P: "The monkey claw is smelly."

T: "Good people of the jury, my client Terrance is an innocent man." P: !FART! T: "Oh ho, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument!" P: "I have, haven't I Terrance." T: !FART!

P: "So, in summation, find Terrance innocent, or else he'll kill you." Jury: GASP! P: "Just kidding. The defense rests." P: !FART! S: "God damn it! That isn't funny!"

P: "Did you hear that Terrance? You're not guilty!" T: "Oh Phillip, you saved me from the gas chamber!"

T: "Wow, Scott really hates us Phillip." P: "Yes, perhaps he's homophobic." T: "... But we're not gay, Phillip." P: "We're not?"

T: "Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kroff Dinner." P: "Yes, it's been a long day, and only Kroff Dinner can calm my nerves."

P: "The subway certainly is wonderful Terrance." T: "It sure is. Let's look for treasure." P: "Yes, let's look for treasure."

P: "Oh, hello Ugly Bob." UB: "Hello Terrance, hello Phillip." T: "My God, you're looking hideously ugly today Ugly Bob." UB: "How come you guys say stuff like that?" T: "Because you're God Damned ugly Bob." UB: "I know, but..." P: "Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver." UB: "I can't help how I look. Besides, it's not what's on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside." T: "No it isn't." T: "Want to see what's on the inside of me?" T: !FART!

T: "Oh my god!" P: "What is it Terrance, did you fart?"

T: "Well, you know what they say; A friend in need is a friend with Kroff Dinner."

T: "Phillip, I'm convinced that something very, very not good is happening to Canada." P: "Yes, I agree whole-fartedly."

T: "Hey Scott, guess what?" S: "What?" !FART! S: "Uh, I hate you more than ever Terrance and Phillip. I absolutely abhor you both." Scott is motioning peculiarly at Terrance and Phillip. P: "What are you doing Scott?" S: "I'm wishing cancer upon you." P: "Cancer?" S: "That's right, I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind." T: "Ah, stop that." Terrance hides behind Phillip. P: "Hey, don't give me cancer."

T: "Well, we can't just sit here and eat Kroff dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks."

!Phone rings! P: "That fart sounded like a ringing phone Terrance." T: "It sure did Phillip." !Phone rings! T: "Oh wait, that is the phone."

Terrance answers the phone. T: "Hello." S: "Terrance, this is Scott." T: "Oh, hey, it's Scott." P: "Tell him he's a smelly bastard." T: "Phillip says hello, Scott."

Terrance has Scott on the phone. T: "You are such a dick Scott." S: "You're a dick." T: "You're a dick." S: "You're a dick." T: "You're a dick." S: "You're a dick." T: "You're a dick." ...Silence... S: "You're a dick." T: "You're a dick." S: "The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada. You give other Canadians a bad name, and if I had my way..." T: "Oh, I'm sorry Scott, can you hold on a minute?" S: "Sure." T: !FART! T: "How do you like that, Scott!" S: "You son of a bitch, I'll get you if it's the last thing I... " T: "Oh wait, I have another call Scott. Can you hang on?" S: "Sure." T: !FART! T: "Oh, that was Very Smelly. He says hello." S: "God damn it." T: "Oh, wait a second Scott." S: "Sure. I mean no."

T&P are waiting for Scott at Karl's Kroff Dinner Palace. P: "Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure?" T: "Oh, good idea. Let's search for treasure." S: "What are you idiots doing?" T: "We're looking for treasure." S: "Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?" P: "No, we're searching for treasure."

T: "Hey Scott, do you like apples?" S: "Of course." T: !FART! T: "How do you like them apples?" S: "I HATE YOU TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!!"

From South Park Episode 106: "Death"

P: "Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart." T: "Wait, before you do, pull my thumb!" T: !FART!

P: "Hey Terrance, now that you've farted, I think I might fart too." P: !FART! T: "Ohhh, you farted!"

T: "Hey Phillip, would you like a flower?" P: "I sure would Terrance." T: "Alrighty then, here's a two-lip." T: !FART! P: (Hits Terrance)"Take that you stupid dick!" T: "You're an asshole Phillip."

T: "Hey Phillip, guess what?" P: "What?" T: !FART!

P: "Uhh, oh Terrance? What color is the wind?" T: "Hmmm, I don't know, why don't you check?" P: !FART!